Polar Seltzer: Ripping Thirst A New Asshole Since 1882.
"I wasn't even aware that thirst HAD an asshole!"
Julie: Polar Seltzer has 5 new flavors out now!!!!
Jayne: NAH-UH!
Julie: Yup. I just cracked into the Pineapple Passionfruit one
Julie: Diagnosis: Delicious
Jayne: Treatment Plan: 64 ounces daily
Julie: Taken as directed
Jayne: Prognosis? FANTASTIC
Facebook Creeper.
I wish facebook was scratch n' sniff.
Mike: hey what’s your girlfriend’s name?
Mike: I want to look her up on facebook
Patrick: Creep...
Patrick: It’s Carol G*****n
CAUTION: You're an Idiot.
"Got into work today and saw this sign taped up on a glass wall. It wasn't
a precautionary sign, it was reactionary. Some people have it together
enough to hold down a job, but can't keep from walking into glass walls."
- Name Withheld
Spellling is Hardd.
Jeff: are you proficient with excel?
Julie: not even remotelyt
Jeff: damn
Julie: i sucj at it
Jeff: as bad as you suck at typing?
Julie: fuck ofhf
Jeff: fucj you
Agenda.
Ugh... there just aren't enough hours in the day!
Jerry: so hows the life unemployed treating you?
Julie: Good as ever
Jerry: nice.
Julie: Today I'm gonna send out more resumes, do some laundry,
try to score a free cell phone, and if there's still time, draw a picture
of Jesus running away from his tomb
Jerry: good day, good day.
To Your Health!
NURSE! I need 250 cc's - STAT!
Julie: I’ve been sick since monday. i almost went to the hospital
on tuesday but didnt wanna spend the $50 bucks for the emergency room co-pay
Julie: i would rather just die
Mike: thats a good thought process
Julie: yeah. i had planned to go to the offshore ale house by myself last night
b/c they have live Irish music on Wednesdays, but i still had a fever so i didnt go
Mike: how much would u spend there?
Julie: $50 dollars
Mike: exactly
Julie: it would be going to a good cause though
Julie: as opposed to if i paid it at the hospital
Mike: the cause being your health?
Julie: yes. beer > health
Mike: fair enough
Oh, Those? Those Are Just Mosquito Bites.
This beach stroll would be much more enjoyable if my genitals weren't engulfed in sores.
Julie: so I was just sitting in my car at the beach eating lunch and this
Fed Ex dude rolls up, gets out of his truck and then starts strolling down
the beach with his head down and his hands in his uniform pockets
Julie: like he's in a herpes commercial
Julie: cue the sensitive music
Jerry: what the hell did the beach ever do to get stuck with all the
herpes commercials?
Julie: I know. Now whenever I see a man casually strolling down
the beach I immediately assume he has herpes. Then I run. That
shit is mad contagious
Jerry: so unfair
Insult to Injury.
No one will ever notice...
Rick: oh my god.
Julie: what
Rick: the girl who sits in the cube next to me wears
like, 9 metric tons of perfume
Rick: she doesn’t want people to know that she rips butts
Julie: Yikes
Julie: That's like putting on 3 lbs of lipstick because you
don't want people to notice that you have no legs
Julie: It’s called insult to injury.
Rick: Well put.
Good Tidings, Mom & Dad.
Deck the halls with balls & holly, fa la la la la, la la la la.
Mike: got your Christmas card. thank you, very cute
Jay: cool
Mike: for the 3rd year in a row, you guys have the top spot in
the wall of cards at my house
Jay: Did you get the version that’s a collage of the baby?
Jay: or the one that's a picture of my junk?
Mike: oh, the junk shot...
Mike: i didnt know there was another
Jay: Good
Jay: There was a mix up with my parents last year
"I'M SO CONFUSED!"
Hmmmph! Well maybe I'm not interested. Ever think of THAT, John?!
Timothy: we should just take the next hour or so to talk about
Carrie Fisher blowing up John Travolta's world
Julie: oh, I don’t even know about that???
Timothy: John Travolta Slammed By Gay Accusations From Carrie Fisher
Julie: WOW.
Timothy: i can just imagine why she thinks he's gay
Timothy: she was probably shitfaced one day and tried to put the
moves on him
Timothy: slurring "What's up Barbarino? You don't want some of THIS??!"
Timothy: and he was digusted
Timothy: "I'd rather give it to Boba Fett, you lush."
Timothy: "I'll never get to level 5 if I do this!"
Office Holiday Party.
Merry Christmas, Noodle Tits.
Mike: want to be my date to the company xmas party?
Mike: it will be awesome because dates aren’t allowed, so when
you make a scene, it will be even better
Caitlin: when is it?
Mike: Tuesday
Caitlin: I don't get in until Thursday, noodle tits
Mike: damn, I was looking for an excuse to get kicked out
Caitlin: I can give you some good tips on what to do
Mike: yeah, I know. You should write a book
Mike: "Public Disgrace: The Caitlyn XXXXX Story"
Caitlin: that would be a great a great book,
Caitlin: except I don't know who ‘Caitlyn’ is....
Mike: Doesn't matter, she's a skank
Caitlin: Excellent
Safety First.
Click it, or ticket.
Rachael: i have a cold, so I have felt off all day
Rachael: and i just sat down at my desk chair
Rachael: and reached to put my seat belt on
Rachael: SAFETY FIRST
Julie: hey, look on the bright side
Julie: at least you didn’t try to start your desk
Lost in Translation.
One ringy dingy, two ringy dingies.
Julie: so you know that standard ringtone that just goes:
'dododo dododo dododo do, dododo dododo dododo do….' ?
Jeff: ummm, i dunno. sing more
Julie: thats pretty much it, its just that over and over again.
Jeff: dododo dododo dododo do?
Julie: yeah, exactly
Jeff: oh YEAH!!!
Jeff: dodododo do!!
Julie: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!
Jeff: hmmm
Jeff: no
Expense Report.
Go ahead and order the 22 oz filet for breakfast, son. The universe wants you to.
Julie: how’s working in St Louis? you get free food &
booze at least?
Jerry: as long as I keep it under 60 bucks
Julie: PER MEAL?!
Jerry: 60 bucks a meal julie?
Julie: oh. I dunno. I guess that would be kinda reckless
Jerry: yeah. I’d get psoriasis, scoliosis, & cirrhosis of the liver
Julie: "yes, hello, 30 Big Macs please"
Julie: you take a bite out of one
Julie: then just toss the rest of them onto Route 66
Jerry: throw one at a homeless dude
Julie: throw one up in the air, shoot it
Jerry: you laugh, but my mentor is giving me all the
tips & tricks
Julie: your MENTOR??
Jerry: it sounds really weird when you put it like that
Julie: yeah. i picture him sitting cross-legged in a cave
Jerry: tripping on LSD, ruminating on shit
booze at least?
Jerry: as long as I keep it under 60 bucks
Julie: PER MEAL?!
Jerry: 60 bucks a meal julie?
Julie: oh. I dunno. I guess that would be kinda reckless
Jerry: yeah. I’d get psoriasis, scoliosis, & cirrhosis of the liver
Julie: "yes, hello, 30 Big Macs please"
Julie: you take a bite out of one
Julie: then just toss the rest of them onto Route 66
Jerry: throw one at a homeless dude
Julie: throw one up in the air, shoot it
Jerry: you laugh, but my mentor is giving me all the
tips & tricks
Julie: your MENTOR??
Jerry: it sounds really weird when you put it like that
Julie: yeah. i picture him sitting cross-legged in a cave
Jerry: tripping on LSD, ruminating on shit
Party In the USA.
So I put my hands up, doo dee doot doo.
Melissa: My true goal in this life is to resemble an anorexic
Melissa: but without having the health concerns of one
Julie: That’s the American Dream, Melissa.
Big Wheel Keep On Turnin'.
Beat my wife? Never. AHHH HAHAHA AHH HAHAHA.
Julie: the fact that i haven’t fucking SMASHED my computer today
really speaks volumes to my patience
Julie: i did punch it a few times
Julie: but i didnt smash it like I really wanted to
Jeff: you're like Ike Turner
Jeff: rationalizing
Jeff: “I don't beat my wife. I mean, I'll smack her around a little,
Jeff: but I don't BEAT her.”
Julie: yup
Bumping Uglies.
Do NOT say that phrase again.
Julie: wait, Band of Horses is playing too?
Rachael: yeah, it’s almost TOO much
Julie: yeah. these big festivals are too overwhelming
Julie: it’s impossible to see ALL the bands you want to
Julie: but like, in New Orleans you could accidentally end up
at a bar drinking w/ any of those artists
Julie: you and Eddie Vedder could be bumping uglies by Monday
Julie: actually, I hate that saying
Rachael: me too. its sick
Julie: granted, it is pretty accurate
Julie: 'A' for Accuracy
'Tis The Season.
Just hear those sirens jingling, ring-ting-tingling, too.
Braden: How about you? turkey day plans?
Julie: Just hitting my parents house for stuffing and booze.
Julie: Typical year.
Braden: nice. Say hi to your brother for me ...that fuckface.
Julie: I will! Say hi to your family for me, even though I don't know them.
Braden: Imagine 5 versions of me, but with different haircuts and various deformities
Braden: both physical AND psychological
Julie: haha, awesome.
Braden: just add some hollow-tip bullets and an alibi, and you'd have a perfect holiday
Regular Design.
Nice try, Gates. Now how about adding some aereolas.
Julie: the term “graphic design” is kind of misleading
Julie: and disappointing
Jeff: like, not enough gore?
Jeff: or exposed genitalia?
Julie: exactly
Julie: they should just call it what it is
Julie: boring digital art.
Obvious Choices: 101.
Pay attention, boys.
Abby: what a creep he was, straddling her roomie
Kristin: ohhh did he do that??
Abby: yeah, he did, XXXX said they were play
wrestling so it was innocent, but pretty sure i only
play wrestle with guys i'm trying to bang
Kristin: yeah i only wrestle guys I'm trying to
sleep with, otherwise I don't know why you'd be
touching me...
Abby: he just was trying to get ass from anyone i think
Abby: funny how he didn't make moves on the one chance he had
Kristin: yeah he should have gone right for the money shot
Abby: i know
Abby: maybe he needs a lesson in obvious choices
Werther's Original.
But Grandpa, there's a moth-ball inside this Werther's wrapper...?
Rachael: i just went online to refill my prescription
Rachael: apparently we lost some coverage.
Rachael: it was $50 every 3 months, and now its $150
Julie: i dont even know what to say
Rachael: i legit cant afford it.
Rachael: i feel like an elderly person.
Rachael: "Wahhh, I can't afford my medication.
Rachael: Hand me that Werthers Original."
Be Smart.
Kidnap Shmidmap.
Julie: I mean, if you have to be a 12 year old kidnap victim you should
totally be Elizabeth Smart
Jeff: yeah...roll outta there and start playing the harp like
nothing happened
Jeff: she's like – whatever, i'm good
Julie: she shoulda milked it for more free crap
Julie: i'd be on the phone w/ Hasbro so fast
Julie: “where my free pogo ball at, bitches? i got KIDNAPPED!”
Jeff: yup.
Double G's.
Hey, what the hell, man?
Tim: RIP Giraldo
Tim: Greg Giraldo that is...
Julie: yeah, I heard
Tim: is it wrong that my first thought was "shrug"
Julie: no, mine too
Julie: not like i knew him. i hate double G names anyway
Julie: the world could use a few less
Julie: greg gumball, gina gershon, gary gnu
Julie: they should all OD
Tim: agreed
Compartmentalization = Guilt Free Stabbings.
Yeah, I stabbed someone, now who's hungry for pizza?
Jeff: fuck these guys
Jeff: i'm done
Jeff: how do you pull that shit right before my review?
Jeff: like i'm gonna ask for a raise now
Patrick: dude, ask for a raise. you have to compartmentalize what
happens to you in relation to what happens to others
Patrick: that's how i do it. that's why i can stab you right now and
not feel a thing
Got Work?
Jerry: welp, its 11:29 and I've finished my work for
the day
Julie: welp, it’s November 27th and I’ve finished my
work for the year
Jerry: touché
Bang, Bang, Bang.
Ahhh hahahaha. Kill. Ahhhh hahahaha.
Jeff: dude, brian breathes wicked fucking loud
Jeff: am i that loud?
Patrick: no.
Jeff: uh oh
Jeff: he sensed my thoughts
Jeff: he's off to get a gun
Patrick: haha bang bang bang hahahaha
Patrick: that's what it sounds like when japanese teens kill people
Cybersizing.
Nintendo: Making America a little less fat.
Mike: yeah i have been wicked busy
Mike: i have not had like, any time for video games
Jerry: wow
Jerry: that sounds terrible
Mike: yeah
Mike: i've been trying to like excercise and do stuff
Mike: so i'm not just sitting on my ass all the time
Jerry: Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
Raiders of the Lost Crack.
Here lies the key to humanly existence.
Brian: This is like the point in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the sun
shines through the medallion piece to reveal the resting place
of the Ark, but instead of a map, it's this guy's ass crack.
Nut: I almost just pee'd myself laughing. Hysterical.
Brian: ohm numa shi vaiyay... ohm numa shi vaiyay.
I AM IRON MAN.
This is SO wrinkled, I better take some days off of work.
Jeffrey: i'm sorry i can't make it to your going away party tonight.
Robin: why can't you go?
Jeffrey: I have a wedding to go to on Saturday, and I have to iron my shirt.
Jeffrey: I haven't worn a shirt since my first day here.
Robin: WOW
Robin: that is officially the lamest excuse i have ever heard to not go out
Mental Health Day.
Who wants to have a little fun tonight??!!
Kristen: Strongly leaning toward taking a mental health day from grad
school tonight, but since I only go one night a week, I feel a little guilty about this.
Kristin: I would never take a mental health day from the bar if that
only happened once per week...
Abby: that's because only good things happen at the bar!
Kristin: like getting drunk. I hear that happens at the bar
Abby: I’ve heard that too. I’ve also heard that's usually followed by really
good decisions
Kristin: and on rare, but fantastic occasions, it’s followed by ambulance rides!
Tyler Has Left the Room.
Taking Care of Boozeness.
Mike: "I want work to be serious and cold and blah blah...
Wait. Booze party. Well then." - Tyler
Tyler: haha, no
Jerry: Boom.
Jerry: Roasted.
(2:25) Tyler has left the room.
Jerry: well
Jerry: he took that poorly
Mike: hahaha
My Name Is Diane.
I like this name better.
Diane: I need you to email me all of your California contacts so
I can update the technician list.
Nut: No you don't. You just want my contacts because you know
I'm leaving the comapany soon.
Diane: Please call or email the office by 5 o'clock today with your
contact list.
Nut: Denise, Let this email serve as notification that I will not be
sending you, or anyone else my contact list.
Diane: MY NAME IS DIANE.
I'm Darryl! Darryl STRAWBERRY!
I will have the chopped salad. I am Darryl Strawberry.
Julie: i was sitting at the bar of the California Pizza Kitchen
during my lunch break one day, and i was talking to some major
league baseball player, but I had no idea
Julie: so after he left, people were like, “do you know who that was?!”
Julie: he was someone big too, like Darryl Strawberry, except not him
Rachael: he wasnt like “I'm Darryl! Darryl STRAWBERRY!” ???
Julie: well no, because he wasn’t REALLY darryl strawberry
Julie: we were talking for a while too. mostly about something on tv.
Julie: I forget what though
Julie: i also forget why i spent my lunchbreak all alone at the bar of the CPK.
Julie: That part is REALLY what's questionable.
